Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. He bravely walks up to her father and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied: "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replied: "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies: "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed that Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks Bruce is just the cutest little thing.
Showing posts with label Sunday Funnies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sunday Funnies. Show all posts
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday Funnies: International Talk Like a Pirate Day
Today's Sunday Funnies be in honor o' International Talk Like a Pirate Day. This entire post be dedicated t' speakin' like a pirate. This day only comes around once a year so we might as well have a ball with it while it lasts!
If you don't quite have a grasp on speakin' like a Pirate, thar be several sites on t' net that can help you out.
T' start out with, let's visit t' Original TLAP web site. There, you can find tons o' links t' get you on your way t' livin' t' pirate life. (Well, speakin' it, anyway.)
If you want t' see some pirate talkin' in action, then I suggest you head t' t' TLAP YouTube page.
But t' fun doesn't stop thar! There be pirate quizzes t' let you know just how much o' a pirate you are, name generators for your ships and for yourself if you're havin' trouble settlin' on just t' starboard pirate name, links t' info on real pirates and even links t' buy some pirate gear t' make you look like a real pirate. Have a look around. I'm aye you'll find somethin' that strikes your fancy.
I did me pirate quiz and found out just who I would be on t' ship:
Just what member o' t' pirate rank and file be you?
Have a happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day, me buckos!
If you don't quite have a grasp on speakin' like a Pirate, thar be several sites on t' net that can help you out.
T' start out with, let's visit t' Original TLAP web site. There, you can find tons o' links t' get you on your way t' livin' t' pirate life. (Well, speakin' it, anyway.)
If you want t' see some pirate talkin' in action, then I suggest you head t' t' TLAP YouTube page.
But t' fun doesn't stop thar! There be pirate quizzes t' let you know just how much o' a pirate you are, name generators for your ships and for yourself if you're havin' trouble settlin' on just t' starboard pirate name, links t' info on real pirates and even links t' buy some pirate gear t' make you look like a real pirate. Have a look around. I'm aye you'll find somethin' that strikes your fancy.
I did me pirate quiz and found out just who I would be on t' ship:
You are The Cap'n!
Some men and women are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any scalawag who stands between them and unlimited power. You never met a man - or woman - you couldn't eviscerate. You are the definitive Man of Action, the CEO of the Seven Seas, Lee Iacocca in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. You're mission-oriented, and if anyone gets in the way, that's his problem, now isn't? Your buckle was swashed long ago and you have never been so sure of anything as your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off his head if he shows any sign of taking you on or backing down. If one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.
What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!
Just what member o' t' pirate rank and file be you?
Have a happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day, me buckos!
Sunday Funnies: International Talk Like a Pirate Day
Today's Sunday Funnies be in honor o' International Talk Like a Pirate Day. This entire post be dedicated t' speakin' like a pirate. This day only comes around once a year so we might as well have a ball with it while it lasts!
If you don't quite have a grasp on speakin' like a Pirate, thar be several sites on t' net that can help you out.
T' start out with, let's visit t' Original TLAP web site. There, you can find tons o' links t' get you on your way t' livin' t' pirate life. (Well, speakin' it, anyway.)
If you want t' see some pirate talkin' in action, then I suggest you head t' t' TLAP YouTube page.
But t' fun doesn't stop thar! There be pirate quizzes t' let you know just how much o' a pirate you are, name generators for your ships and for yourself if you're havin' trouble settlin' on just t' starboard pirate name, links t' info on real pirates and even links t' buy some pirate gear t' make you look like a real pirate. Have a look around. I'm aye you'll find somethin' that strikes your fancy.
I did me pirate quiz and found out just who I would be on t' ship:
Just what member o' t' pirate rank and file be you?
Have a happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day, me buckos!
If you don't quite have a grasp on speakin' like a Pirate, thar be several sites on t' net that can help you out.
T' start out with, let's visit t' Original TLAP web site. There, you can find tons o' links t' get you on your way t' livin' t' pirate life. (Well, speakin' it, anyway.)
If you want t' see some pirate talkin' in action, then I suggest you head t' t' TLAP YouTube page.
But t' fun doesn't stop thar! There be pirate quizzes t' let you know just how much o' a pirate you are, name generators for your ships and for yourself if you're havin' trouble settlin' on just t' starboard pirate name, links t' info on real pirates and even links t' buy some pirate gear t' make you look like a real pirate. Have a look around. I'm aye you'll find somethin' that strikes your fancy.
I did me pirate quiz and found out just who I would be on t' ship:
You are The Cap'n!
Some men and women are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any scalawag who stands between them and unlimited power. You never met a man - or woman - you couldn't eviscerate. You are the definitive Man of Action, the CEO of the Seven Seas, Lee Iacocca in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. You're mission-oriented, and if anyone gets in the way, that's his problem, now isn't? Your buckle was swashed long ago and you have never been so sure of anything as your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off his head if he shows any sign of taking you on or backing down. If one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.
What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!
Just what member o' t' pirate rank and file be you?
Have a happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day, me buckos!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sunday Funnies: Five Surgeons Take a Coffee Break
5 surgeons are taking a coffee break and conversing about their patients:
1st surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."
4th surgeon says, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon says, "I like engineers ... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
1st surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."
4th surgeon says, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon says, "I like engineers ... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
Sunday Funnies: Five Surgeons Take a Coffee Break
5 surgeons are taking a coffee break and conversing about their patients:
1st surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."
4th surgeon says, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon says, "I like engineers ... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
1st surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."
4th surgeon says, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon says, "I like engineers ... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Sunday Funnies: The Farmer, The Truck, The Salesman and the Cow
A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, He paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00. The farmer said: "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:
BASIC COW: $500.00
Two tone exterior: $45.00
Extra stomach: $75.00
Product storing equipment: $60.00
Straw compartment: $120.00
4 Spigots @ $10 ea: $40.00
Leather upholstery: $125.00
Dual horns: $45.00
Automatic fly swatter: $38.00
Fertilizer attachment: $185.00
GRAND TOTAL: $1,233.00
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00. The farmer said: "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:
BASIC COW: $500.00
Two tone exterior: $45.00
Extra stomach: $75.00
Product storing equipment: $60.00
Straw compartment: $120.00
4 Spigots @ $10 ea: $40.00
Leather upholstery: $125.00
Dual horns: $45.00
Automatic fly swatter: $38.00
Fertilizer attachment: $185.00
GRAND TOTAL: $1,233.00
Sunday Funnies: The Farmer, The Truck, The Salesman and the Cow
A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, He paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00. The farmer said: "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:
BASIC COW: $500.00
Two tone exterior: $45.00
Extra stomach: $75.00
Product storing equipment: $60.00
Straw compartment: $120.00
4 Spigots @ $10 ea: $40.00
Leather upholstery: $125.00
Dual horns: $45.00
Automatic fly swatter: $38.00
Fertilizer attachment: $185.00
GRAND TOTAL: $1,233.00
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00. The farmer said: "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:
BASIC COW: $500.00
Two tone exterior: $45.00
Extra stomach: $75.00
Product storing equipment: $60.00
Straw compartment: $120.00
4 Spigots @ $10 ea: $40.00
Leather upholstery: $125.00
Dual horns: $45.00
Automatic fly swatter: $38.00
Fertilizer attachment: $185.00
GRAND TOTAL: $1,233.00
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Sunday Funnies: Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "'Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: "Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me?!"
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "'Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: "Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me?!"
Sunday Funnies: Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "'Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: "Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me?!"
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "'Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: "Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me?!"
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Sunday Funnies: Things Dogs & Cats Should Remember
Things Dogs Should Remember
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
- I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
- I will not lick my humans face after eating animal poop.
- Kitty box crunchies are not food.
- I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- I will not chew my humans toothbrush and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
- We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
- I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
- The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
- Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
- Leaping from the very top of the condo onto the curtain rod makes my human very annoyed with me. If I do it, I will get a time out, squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at.
- I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed.
- If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care.
- I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
- If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
- The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
- If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
- I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files" or "Supernatural").
- Television and computer screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.
- No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my humans earrings are not cat toys.
- If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
- My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
- The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
- I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
- I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
- It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
- The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
- If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
- I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
- The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
- If I must give a present to my humans overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
Sunday Funnies: Things Dogs & Cats Should Remember
Things Dogs Should Remember
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
- I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
- I will not lick my humans face after eating animal poop.
- Kitty box crunchies are not food.
- I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- I will not chew my humans toothbrush and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
- We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
- I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
- The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
- Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
- Leaping from the very top of the condo onto the curtain rod makes my human very annoyed with me. If I do it, I will get a time out, squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at.
- I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed.
- If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care.
- I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
- If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
- The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
- If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
- I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files" or "Supernatural").
- Television and computer screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.
- No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my humans earrings are not cat toys.
- If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
- My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
- The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
- I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
- I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
- It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
- The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
- If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
- I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
- The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
- If I must give a present to my humans overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Sunday Funnies: Things I Learned (Lernt) in the South
- A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
- There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
- There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
- If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
- 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
- It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
- 'Jaw-P'? means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom'?
- People actually grow and eat okra.
- 'Fixinto' is one word. It means 'I'm fixing to do that'.
- There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
- Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
- Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you'.
- The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'
- You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
- You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH 'em.
- You measure distance in minutes.
- You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
- All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
- You know what a 'DAWG' is.
- You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.
- You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony's, Tabasco and ketchup.
- The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for college football, local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.
- You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
- You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
- You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
- Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'.
- You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.
- Fried catfish is the other white meat.
- We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.
Sunday Funnies: Things I Learned (Lernt) in the South
- A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
- There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
- There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
- If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
- 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
- It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
- 'Jaw-P'? means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom'?
- People actually grow and eat okra.
- 'Fixinto' is one word. It means 'I'm fixing to do that'.
- There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
- Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
- Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you'.
- The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'
- You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
- You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH 'em.
- You measure distance in minutes.
- You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
- All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
- You know what a 'DAWG' is.
- You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.
- You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony's, Tabasco and ketchup.
- The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for college football, local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.
- You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
- You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
- You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
- Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'.
- You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.
- Fried catfish is the other white meat.
- We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Sunday Funnies: Diary of a Floridian Who Moved North
December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow... Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white chit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his feet and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a freaking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WOMAN is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a$$. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow... Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white chit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his feet and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a freaking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WOMAN is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a$$. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Sunday Funnies: Diary of a Floridian Who Moved North
December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow... Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white chit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his feet and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a freaking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WOMAN is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a$$. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow... Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white chit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his feet and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a freaking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WOMAN is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a$$. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Sunday Funnies: Advice for Northerners Moving to the South
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big 'ol", as in "big 'ol truck", or "big 'ol boy". "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cookin', let alone eatin'.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big 'ol", as in "big 'ol truck", or "big 'ol boy". "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cookin', let alone eatin'.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
Sunday Funnies: Advice for Northerners Moving to the South
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big 'ol", as in "big 'ol truck", or "big 'ol boy". "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cookin', let alone eatin'.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big 'ol", as in "big 'ol truck", or "big 'ol boy". "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cookin', let alone eatin'.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Sunday Funnies: What's in a Name?
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother: "Mary," he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner."
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother: "Mary," he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner."
Sunday Funnies: What's in a Name?
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother: "Mary," he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner."
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother: "Mary," he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner."
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Sunday Funnies: Wilma and Barney Go to Church
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney always falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma went to the priest and asked him what she could do. The priest handed her a needle and told her to prick Barney with it every time he fell asleep.
The next week at church Barney fell asleep while the priest was talking and when the priest asked "who is our savior?" Wilma poked him with the needle and Barney yelled out JESUS!! Soon after that he went back to sleep. The next question the priest asked: Who is Jesus' Father? Wilma poked him with the needle and Barney yelled out GOD!! then went back to sleep.
The last question the priest asked was what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricked good old Barney with the needle again and he yelled out: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
The next week at church Barney fell asleep while the priest was talking and when the priest asked "who is our savior?" Wilma poked him with the needle and Barney yelled out JESUS!! Soon after that he went back to sleep. The next question the priest asked: Who is Jesus' Father? Wilma poked him with the needle and Barney yelled out GOD!! then went back to sleep.
The last question the priest asked was what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricked good old Barney with the needle again and he yelled out: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
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