Sunday Funnies: A Brush With the Law

Things You Never Want To Hear A Policeman Say

1. "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
2. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
3. "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
4. "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
5. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
6. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
7. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
8. "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
9. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
10. "Just how big were those two beers?
11. "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Things You Should Never Say To A Policeman

1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
4. Are You Andy or Barney?
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
7. I pay your salary!
8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"